So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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