I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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