the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
