If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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