If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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