I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
