what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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