You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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