At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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