Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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