Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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