I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
