Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
