checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
two words: eviction party
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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