Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
