I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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