If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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