were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
