There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
