Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
