I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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