I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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