I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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