She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
