oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
