So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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