What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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