...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
