just come out here and I will go home with you...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
