Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
