No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
