I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it glows. i had to have it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
