So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
