Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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