god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
