Tell her she can't have a vagina
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
