When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
