i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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