She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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