I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
