hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
