my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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