1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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