Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
