TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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