Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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