hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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