He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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