I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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