I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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