My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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