And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
