Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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