I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
